A sense of familiarity makes me happy but at times makes me nauseous. Yes nauseous. I feel like I just want to run away into the unknown whenever that happens. Freud would diagnose it as one of the myriad disorders that he made up to sell himself as a serious thinking person but I feel this one's mine. My own unique symptom and my own unique disorder. I have diagnosed it so it belongs to me. I wanna be attached to it selfishly. Sometimes I want others to tell me that they feel that way too, but not really. Times when suddenly everything makes sense like your knowledge is fathomless and the next second you are at a loss of any basic understanding? This also happens.
I wish I had time to coin words for these feelings. Actually I don't, on a second thought.I am pretty sure some stupid page that comes up with words for obscure feelings will definitely come up with it and trademark it like a bitch. Schadenfreude is what I would feel when somebody sues those idiots for taking away the sense of vagueness from people's minds! They wanna name everything so that nothing remains hazy. Why does everything have to have a definition or a name or an identity! It does not, in my opinion.
Anyway, even as I pen these absolutely futile and dimensionless thoughts onto this white virtual paper, I feel like somebody is inking my own brain with something quite abstract, nebulous. I probably am appearing high right now but I am not. I am making perfect sense to myself, may be not to you guys who are skimming through this because you have something else to click urgently on the world wide wild wild web.
Going back to running away from the familiar, I wonder if it has to do with the upbringing. I have barely ever been present at a place for not more than a few years and part of those years have always been utilized to erase the previous place and the ties to it. Sort of like a fancy blackboard which is white where you write with a fancy fluid marker and use a fancy eraser to wipe it off. Erasing always fascinated me more than writing on those white boards. It probably comes from enjoying cleaning things. Life is not as easy to clean up as that fancy black-white-board, is it? Or it is. I am sounding like Schrodinger's cat who is and is not :)
I wish I had time to coin words for these feelings. Actually I don't, on a second thought.I am pretty sure some stupid page that comes up with words for obscure feelings will definitely come up with it and trademark it like a bitch. Schadenfreude is what I would feel when somebody sues those idiots for taking away the sense of vagueness from people's minds! They wanna name everything so that nothing remains hazy. Why does everything have to have a definition or a name or an identity! It does not, in my opinion.
Anyway, even as I pen these absolutely futile and dimensionless thoughts onto this white virtual paper, I feel like somebody is inking my own brain with something quite abstract, nebulous. I probably am appearing high right now but I am not. I am making perfect sense to myself, may be not to you guys who are skimming through this because you have something else to click urgently on the world wide wild wild web.
Going back to running away from the familiar, I wonder if it has to do with the upbringing. I have barely ever been present at a place for not more than a few years and part of those years have always been utilized to erase the previous place and the ties to it. Sort of like a fancy blackboard which is white where you write with a fancy fluid marker and use a fancy eraser to wipe it off. Erasing always fascinated me more than writing on those white boards. It probably comes from enjoying cleaning things. Life is not as easy to clean up as that fancy black-white-board, is it? Or it is. I am sounding like Schrodinger's cat who is and is not :)
Haha, this is so typical of you, flaky, flighty, and fun to read, yet with some serious substance. I think everyone feels things that there are just no words for sometimes. people are complicated. You though, are a 10x10 rubik !
ReplyDelete"Erasing always fascinated me more than writing on those white boards."
ReplyDeleteInteresting..
And were you referring to the dictionary of obscure sorrows when you spoke about people coming up with words for obscure feelings? I quite like that page.. Not because he has a definition for every obscure feeling.. Just makes me feel that woozy happy bursting feeling.. Like the feeling we would feel when our school would win some inter school competition.. That dense emotion which was a combination of pride and relief and happiness and validation and hope and vague nostalgia.. Maybe cause somewhere im rooting for creativity and the celebration of emotion.. This represents that.. So yeah.. creating definitions for feelings best left alone is kind of like boxing them in.. But it is also like inviting you.. Provoking you.. To feel again..
Hmm.. I like your writing..
"Erasing always fascinated me more than writing on those white boards."
ReplyDeleteInteresting..
And were you referring to the dictionary of obscure sorrows when you spoke about people coming up with words for obscure feelings? I quite like that page.. Not because he has a definition for every obscure feeling.. Just makes me feel that woozy happy bursting feeling.. Like the feeling we would feel when our school would win some inter school competition.. That dense emotion which was a combination of pride and relief and happiness and validation and hope and vague nostalgia.. Maybe cause somewhere im rooting for creativity and the celebration of emotion.. This represents that.. So yeah.. creating definitions for feelings best left alone is kind of like boxing them in.. But it is also like inviting you.. Provoking you.. To feel again..
Hmm.. I like your writing..
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete