Poison Ivy

Last summer
I often saw you near the pier
prickling my skin
like poison ivy

Shooting memories into my veins
where have I seen you before?
may be some other life
a different time

Intangible as a shadow
you appear dark inside
or do you shade me?
Wish I knew

The more I seek
the more you slip away
you try to forget me
as I forgot you

Sublimely
you evaporate, but
take it along with you
the poison ivy.

Can I get my melancholy suit dry-cleaned, please?

"Tere ishq mein tanhaiyan, humne bahut bahlaiyan".
This simple line means:- there are different kinds of loneliness in your love that I have humored innumerable times.

Simple but a world of philosophies packed into it. Simple and heavy. Brevity with depth. It can apply to a lover humoring and nursing his heart break or a connoisseur of life entertaining the ups and downs of it. I leave the interpretation to the reader. The mind often wanders and clings on to the memories that have made you weep, sad or just made you think. Don't you just hate when things make you think? A dear dear friend of mine says he has a feelings-switch which he switches off, on command and switches it on if need be. That's a super power that we lesser mortals cant afford. Why does melancholy feel more welcomed at times than the world of happiness surrounding us? Birds to watch, Skies to look at, rivers to touch and flowers to behold, yet the pangs in your heart cling on to you like a spider on a cobweb in a dilapidated forgotten building.

So should we stop feeling melancholy, stop acknowledging it and try to unwelcome it as soon as it knocks on the door?

We often look for meaning, patterns, purpose to life. And the revelations, results sometimes make the already difficult existence even bleaker. But should we just sit and let life pass us by because of that? I don't think so. So here is what I have realized, if something moves you, then you move! As plain and simple minded that sounds, it kinda makes sense. Do something if it moves you! Anything, even if it is talking about it or writing it down in your journal. Life would be a little less mechanical, trust me. Cynicism and pragmatism and hundred other 'isms' would tell you that nothing can be done, nothing can change but don't give up just yet :):)Hang in a little longer. Just a tad.

Perspective can be ruthless and a downer but we need it in life. Through perspective we can try nurturing empathy, at the least, if not an out and out helpful nature. It is better than apathy right? What's a man who cant shed a tear externally or inside for the ones suffering. Suffer a little with them. Just a little bit. It would bring melancholy faster to your heart than light but we can turn it on its head and make it purposeful as never done before. If melancholy helps you get up and go through the motions, for just one more darn day in order to be of use and alleviate the pain of someone else, then its a feeling worth keeping inside you. Don't you think so?

So next time when you look for solutions of how to always be happy, in a self help book, wait and think. Give it a fleeting, cursory thought that what if it is fine to leave the wretched melancholy in your heart, searing. What if it can make you more empathetic and relate more to the 'Les Misérables' and their miseries. After all, you are also looking for every one to understand you better, aren't you? A tad, I bet.

This is the only solution that I can think of which could turn melancholy into some kind of a catalyst to attain a semblance of happiness which is often misunderstood with success. Music, books, movies, food, healthy body, fame, travel, money, partner, kids can add so much to one's life, but if even in the company of these blessings the pangs attack, do not panic. Let melancholy, sorrow, sadness be another facet to your being. Don't send them for dry-cleaning as soon as you feel the pangs and the twinges and the stabs. Humor them a little. Let them co-exist along with the happiness, brightness, mirth and the light that dwells inside you. Let them do their work and move you. A tad.

Let me know if it works?

haya

haya na aayi unhe jab khilkhilaake hasi woh
wafa mujhe zaroor ho gayi
jafa-e-ishq unka aisa,
nigahein utha ke bhi na ek bar dekha
mehar phir bhi us khuda ki ho gayi

Rukh par unke lagaye taktaki
shab se nisha ho gayi
saans rok kar palkon ke uthne ka,
jhukne ka, karte gaye intezaar
befazool aisi meri aadton ki inteha ho gayi

Hamari maujoodagi me woh parda karein to karein
Zulfien unki bandishein todkar befikri ho gayi
fana jo na hue hum un beparwah
behichak behaya adaaon pe toh
had haamari kafiri ki ho gayi

Sehra-e-tanhai dil me mere
mulzim tasveer unki  ho gayi
aashiqon ko ruswa kare woh amooman
ajnabi bane rehne ki unki raza me
ek poori ghazal ho gayi

English translation:

she felt no shyness when she laughed merrily
but I definitely fell in love
her love is a disloyal love
not once she looked at me through her eye lashes
but I still felt the blessings of almighty

Looking endlessly at her face
day turned into night
having held my breath I have waited
for her eyes to look up and look down
this inconsequential habit of mine does not ever cease

Let her hide her face in my presence if she wants to
but her hair strands have broken shackles and they wave around carelessly
if I dont give up myself in her love, when she is her careless, carefree, unbridled self
I would end up an atheist who does not believe even in love

there is a desert of loneliness in my heart
her image has to be blamed for it (for she never comes,I just have the image)
she does not care for her admirers usually
she wants us to remain strangers, and in the acceptance of her conditions
I penned a complete song.

unhealed

Invited on the promise that you would heal some old, some stale, some newly exposed, some prodded oft and other wounds,
you saunter in with a veneer of supposed understanding
you sit, you care, you listen, you offer time and empathy
you catch the tears in your hand, right before they fall and vanish

warningly and magically, waves of courage ebb and slowly swell in my mind at the offer of refuge

hopeless, fallen, I take it
your voyeur self probes to find a silver lining
it searches for the goriest bruises that can be used as leverage later, from a safe vantage point
you feed on the miseries and suck the last wheezing breath out of me until I am diminished to a non breathing, a random futile entity
you may need some more tomorrow so you bathe and dress my wounds, with a continuing, ever present, sympathetic smile
for now you are trying to live my pain vicariously through me
seeing it but enjoying the satisfaction of offering a helping hand

you will forget and move on and share this with close and like minded friends
they will admire your entrepreneurship
you will be recognized for someone who dared to live in my dirty, dirty diseased home, yet come out a clean hero
and you will lap it up

But what about me? I am as unhealed as I was before,  before I was probed, prodded, bathed, fed, listened to.

Art of arggghhh and blah

The reasons for writing this post are as unknown to my brain as the stuff kept at a high place, to the dwarfs. If that is being height-ist so be it! I am one, what are you gonna do? You didnt finish growing abruptly at 5'3 so I have the birth-growing-up-right to bring in dwarfs! Damn them and the tall models too. Yup extremely tall people shall receive my wrath as well. What are you gonna do? No, seriously what can you do?? You dont even know where I am! No not you NSA, you are as omniscient as ominously vacant I was during my undergrad engineering classes.Despite that, I did go on to achieve moderate success at bagging a graduate degree, opposite sex people and general douche-baggery.

Yes there is a lack of coherent reasons for filling up this world wide web space but I am gonna do it anyway, being a staunch environmental conservationist that I am. I save paper by littering the world with internet rubbish instead. Lets try to find a reason anyway. Ok I have been watching a lot of shows recently which are satire kinds and they satirically ridicule extremely idiotic people which is fine by me as I like to be ridiculed in satirical manner. No seriously if you come up with clever shit to pull the wool over my eyes, there's a high chance I may not punch your face immediately. Those shows have enabled my creative (debatable) juices to flow astray, splashing 'all y'all'! Ya what's the deal with all y'all? Why so much tautological redundancy? Its like if we called homophobes, dumb idiots who are moronically foolish while being illogically inane, would it be redundant? Actually no. I am bad at exemplifying.

You are getting the drift right? Or are you drifting off? Wait! I will get to the point. So basically my tolerance level for high stupidity has reduced to negative 20 from zero. The more growing up I do as a useless human being, the more I am made aware of moronic politicians who regurgitate their ignorance in front of the world media in a manner as that of how a bat takes a shit, facing down from a ceiling. You could be hit by the bat droppings or politician vomit and those two are your only choice. Go figure. One was heard saying pray-the-gay-away, the other was calling poverty, a state of mind. They could make better rhyming asswipe rappers than the better rhyming asswipe rappers themselves! You start to wonder whether they have the anatomically necessary body part called brain. May be not. Anything can happen. God is miraculous. So they say.

In the homeland, there is a debate about who is going to be the next PM. Choices are as diverse as bat droppings and (insert another bird/mammal/insect) droppings.You try to weigh the pros and cons and realize you dropped IQ points as rapidly as republicans in America drop homophobic, democrat-phobic,any-other-religion-other-than-Christianity-phobic crap on anyone who cares to listen. In the meanwhile, the public is busy weighing the pros and cons of Sachin Tendulkar's retirement. Public and politicians don't just have the starting letter in common but they also fit in together like junkies and drugs. One is as happily oblivious and gullible as the other is blood suckingly corrupt. Whatchu gonna do?

You can do the following:
1. Eat well
2. Sleep well
3. Ignore
4. Pretend like everything is joyous and shiny.
5. Also you can sometimes write posts like I do and act like it makes a difference.

Stuff like this and plenty other that makes you wanna pull your own hair and stuff it in your mouth, out of sheer frustration, gives me a reason to arrrggghhh and blah. Its as fun as watching an overtly sexual film with your grandmother. But hey something's gotta give eventually. Till then we shall wait for Mayans to reincarnate themselves and make a new calendar giving a clear, credible and cute apocalypse date such as 6.6.6066.

If you wanna know me, memorize the following

1. I am 5 feet 3 inches (pretty tall I think!)
2. I have brown eyes and brown-black hair.
3. I am slightly chubby but pretty hot in my own mind (read: smokin)
4. I have a love-hate relationship with technology. Some I can absolutely do without and some I just cant live without! Like a mobile phone. Yes! well that's all. As a kid I used to always want to write short texts to people and I didnt know when it became an addiction. Umm, so really its just texting. (People dont text and drive though, bad things happen like you may not see the ghost on the road)
5. I am and used to be a biiiiiiiig tomboy. I am starting to acknowledge my feminine side and I find it fun to be girly now. But as a kid and a teenager, I absolutely hated girly girls and girl talk (I kinda still do, like for example; if you start yapping about the color you'd like on your dress during your nephew's ear piercing function, I may end up physically and emotionally harming you.)
6. I like all colors. Except when I was a little kid, I used to hate yellow for some reason, dunno why! (it reminded me of poop). And one day I juts had an epiphany that yellow is after all a good color because its not yellow's fault that he/she was born that way.
7. On the topic of colors, yes, for a long time I believed that red, pink, orange etc are girls. Blue, black, white, brown etc are boys. Weird. (sexist no?)
8. As a kid I wanted to grow up and become a teacher and give kids candy and take care of them.
9. I love rain and the smell of the earth. There is no smell more intoxicating or absolutely mesmerizing than the smell of the earth when it rains.
10. I believe I have attention deficit disorder as I cant concentrate on one thing for a long time. I cant be in one place unless I am sleeping which I love! I have the habit of digressing and asking off-topic questions which irritates my friends. Sometimes I also drift away, ummm most of the times. I have a huge huge  imagination and an imaginary land where I like to go when stressed. Day dreaming used to be the most fun activity even as a kid. I once drifted off during an exam and after 2 hours realized, I have only one hour to write the whole freaking paper!!
11. I am a very sore loser. I remember as a kid, losing in a drawing competition to a classmate ( I came second) and then the next whole year I practiced just one drawing for the next year's competition and drew it so well that I got the first prize. Apart from that drawing, I cant draw or paint but if I learn it, I feel I can be pretty good at it.
12. This reminds of motivation. I am a pretty self motivated person and my brain is enough to get me up if I am down. I usually try listening to every advice but end up doing what my mind says, which more or less lands me in problems. (Hey Sup: Dont do this, My brain: Hell yeah!, Hey Sup: seriously dont! My brain: Muhahahaha. Later I was found in pain with a stomach disorder caused from eating bricks)
13. I LOVE star gazing and I have discovered too many constellations and named them. I study them and I like to believe that there is much more to our cosmos than what meets the naked eye. Much more!
14. I love the american pickle. Something about vinegar and the cucumber. I know people usually hate them but I can eat as many as possible. Omnomnomnomnomnom.
15. I dont like desserts or chocolates except tiramisu and I dont know why.
16. I like to keep fit whether or not I have the means or time to do so. I start growing uneasy if I dont have stamina.
17. I watch superheroes, cartoons, anime, bad movies, good movies, comedies, romance, drama, horror, thriller. Everything. I have never said no to a film because people told me that its bad. Except if I am too tired to watch one.
18. I love books. Story books, novels, non-fiction, anything and everything! Till I found the treasure of story books & novels which is till 8th standard, I used to dutifully read all my English text books stories and Hindi text book stories. Even Sanskrit, just to be able to read something. News papers, magazines, journals, listen to news. I dont know why I am such a story-holic or need to educate myself at every step. I dont like missing any great story or any good piece of information. ( Sidney Sheldon was my favorite author during my world-is-so-unfair phase so yeah I read EVERYTHING)
19. I have fought with guys as a kid and given good thrashing to some just to prove I am as strong as them, physically :D It used to be fun then. (And now)
20. I have some very wonderful friends and I treasure them as much as family. I dont believe that family comes first and friends come and go. I firmly believe that every relationship is earned. I am very loyal. And any kind help from my friends is cherished beyond emotions. That reminds me, that I am extremely emotional and I would cry if you are crying without knowing the reason! All silly dramas on TV and movies and books can make me cry in a single second. Similarly anything to do with India, our flag, our national anthem when sung would bring tears to my eyes. (To top the list would be F.R.I.E.N.D.S finale, seriously though, there is no meaning or purpose left to life after the show ended in 2004)
21. I love pets but I am also scared of them. It requires me sometime to overcome my fears. I had the most wonderful kitten once which passed away and left me heart broken and weirdly it took liking to only me in my family when I am the most scared of pets. (Keep your iguana away from me!)
22. I love playing basketball, badminton, kabaddi (yes!) and swimming and quidditch.
23. I can decently sing, write poetry, debate, cook and speak a few languages.
24. I cant dance :( But that doesn't  stop me from dancing. I have always loved to move it, move it.
25. I dont believe in marriage and any other known absolute institution. My beliefs stem from experiences and intuition. You may now kiss his bride.
26. I love clothes and shoes but I am not a shopaholic( I also don't lie) and that is because I am extremely lazy or otherwise I would be one.
27. I have absolutely no interest in jewelry not because I dont like wearing it but because as a kid I am the only one who would have lost every piece of jewelry given to me. Either lost it or broke it. My body is better without any jewels for their own safety. I am a jewel policewoman.
28. I can go any amount of hiking, adventure stuff, running even if its killing me physically. Even if I am not the fittest person to undertake them. (afterwards, I usually am found passed out on a couch)
29. I am one of the few lucky ones who had both their grandmothers telling stories almost every night. That's where love for stories comes from. And my childhood friend Soni who told me she could be an alien or adopted.
30. I am extremely forgiving. I believe that forgiving others is important if you ever wanna be forgiven. An eye for an eye kinda philosophy.
31. Out of sight is never out of mind. I treasure memories and people. Faces yeah, names not much. Whats in a name anyway?
32. I hate spending more than 5 minutes in a bath. It becomes claustrophobic!
33. I have a penchant for learning English and writing in it. I have great love for Urdu as well. I have read quite a bit of poetry in Urdu. Someday I wanna learn French or as a matter of fact any language. (DON'T make me learn Java though)
34. I love religious rituals especially diwali but I am not religious. I also take interest in ancient mythology but as an academic interest as opposed to religious. I also am a brahmin priest who is not a born brahmin. Who is?
35. I have read bible and and I have read many translations of the other holy books as a kid , so that I could quench the thirst for learning about other religions. If you have a religion, show me your book and I shall read it.
36. Beach, lakeside and other water bodies are the only true source of peace for me. I can swim partially.
37. I would love to ( will not though) climb mountains and ranges.
38. Kindness is the only way. I am trying to teach myself this virtue.Shut up!! I am doing what I can.
39.I am open about my feelings like a closed book and I tell them as they are/could be made up in my brain.
40. If you wanna small talk, no thank you. If you wanna strike an interesting conversation, you are most welcome!
41. Roses ( all colors) are my favorite flowers.
42. I take a keen interest in Indian and international politics, economics and justice system and E!News.
43. I watch cricket, tennis and India participating in pretty much any game on an international level. I watch with a lot of fervor and so the losses depress me!
44. I love traveling. Not in airplanes.
45. If you like me, chances are high that I would reciprocate it more than evenly. If you don't, then kindly take a hammer and hammer the back of your head (hard) till it starts working.


To be updated in the future, often, as I change and grow up (if ever)

Delayed Appreciation

Appreciation in life for little things comes through experiencing them or by losing them. My story here is a mix of both. It has been 5 months since I was given Kindle for my birthday. I pride myself for being a bookoholic in a good sense not the book-worm kinds. I read with a penchant and a lot of focus towards the style of writing, the language, characterization,plot,moral, flow, sense, factual and real treatment in case of biographies,autobiographies and non fiction. I do this so that I can take inspiration from these writers, so that my experience as a reader and an amateur writer gets enriched.

This piece of writing, however, is not about the favorite books or how a book is written but about how a book is read and how I overcame my reluctance of accepting change. So like I mentioned, I had the kindle but I was disdainful when I was gifted it and I slightly cursed the friend inside, for giving it to me. A mild displeasure and chastising my friend for not asking me what I wanted and  instead spending money on a gift I would not use. How wrong was I in my complacency about my own willpower.

I did not bother putting any books in it. 'Oh it costs money to put books in it? whats the use? It is so much more expensive than buying a nice book and reading it like a book should be read!' My sentiments stem from a deep dislike for technology. Yes I work on computers,machines day in and day out but as an old school yet young female(yes I am still young as opposed to the grandmother-y feeling of me that you are getting from reading this ) , I like to run away from it when I need to relax. I would any day run outside than on a treadmill or read a book instead of watching tv, provided I have a good book in my hand. So using kindle instead of a book felt blasphemous. How could I not feel the rustle of the pages, painful yet prided paper cuts,smell of the old books?? How would I then be able to use bookmarks that I make from combs to tissue papers to clothes I am wearing, hand kerchiefs, pens,tooth picks, my own hand in the case of being unable to fight sleep? (I didnt wanna lose track of the page at any cost while reading HP-Sirius Black's death scene). All these and many other reasons. Sentimental and foolish ones. I am usually one of the last people on this planet to get introduced to different technological advancements. I learnt how to use a computer last, as compared to my contemporaries, seniors and juniors and even my little brother. You would ask what about a camera? I would say yes.
You would say what about facebook?
twitter?
email id??
programming languages?
gym equipment?
mixer??!!
blow-drier?
pencil with refills?
sharpener?? ( you would say ' you have got to be kidding me', I would say I kid you not. I was happy using a blade which is much more dangerous and has been a proud owner of cutting my fingers several million times but I was somehow more comfortable with it)
so on
so forth
I would save you energy and say yes to all of them above. Yup, I learnt to use them later than many other people even the dumber ones.

So kindle, how preposterous and scandalous for my nerves! Until I closed my eyes, prayed to God, cursed my friend again and started reading a book in it. Oh my my we could use portrait or landscape mode! what ?we could dim the light at night?? We can choose bigger or smaller fonts? OMG we could press on a word and dictionary would show its meaning?!! Upon discovering this last little fact I was salivating like when I do waiting for a plate of chilly chicken. Also, because I am one of those finicky people who just have to see the meaning of the word even if it requires putting the breathless story down for a moment, getting up from my lazy ass, opening the dictionary and looking it up (read OCD ) ! Yes somehow I am not lazy when I need to do this even if I groan inwardly at myself for having the urge to look the word up, right when I had nicely settled in with a good book in my hand.

Kindle, oh sweet kindle , for silly people like me who make sillier noises for the familiar rustle of pages in between their fingers, you even made your surface rustll-y and rough! I was ashamed of slowly liking this device and forgetting how much I stood up for the good old books. Then I learnt publishing houses and authors do earn from the sales of their books in such devices. Wow strike hundred and one of the worrying causes...!

So you see how actually experiencing something makes you appreciate it. I changed and I am thankful that i didnt throw away the gift or gift it to someone else or else I would have lost on reading many books which are good and require you to go to a library or a book store to buy them. Sometimes I am too lazy to do that so I used to postpone buying them, but now I can buy them right from my room.

I know I know you would say 'you wretched sell out!!' But I shall gladly take the asides and keep reading my books on the kindle because no matter how much I try to hide it, I DO LIKE to read my books on it. There I said it! Phew! Quit bothering me, you!yes you, my foolish conscience :-)

Disclaimer: Its not an article to advertise Kindle. I use it here for the lack of knowledge of other reading devices. If you use any other, do not launch an attack over the companies and their policies. If you do not use any device, I suggest you do first and then attack me!