Stories-1

She sat with an arm in a sling. Pouting, glaring, wondering when Uday would come back. He had been gone 20 minutes , having told her that he was going to get them both some coffee. She was exhausted - first the accident, then the endless visits to the doctors and then getting to those doctors required traveling to the cities they ran their specialties in. Her arm felt alright and looked alright but it was barely functional and she could not fathom why. Many visits to many doctors had started to indicate some nerve damage. Nerves were what she experienced since then. She had become dependent on Uday. She needed him every second of every agony she had felt during these months. 

Coffee shop had some promise because it looked suitably hipster but emanated smells that spelled quality. His eyes wandered over to the espresso labels. That is what he would need. No that is what he wanted and craved right now. Her pout made him lose his mind but he could not take one more second of her chaotic nerves without dousing his food pipes with some espresso first. The line was long and he could wait. Ten more minutes would not make her cry in helplessness, twenty might.

There she was,  4 people in front of him. Checking the amount of change she had in one of her denim pants while her hair decided to mess with the strap of her bag and then what ensued was something Uday could never have imagined. She saw him and he saw her and he knew he could not pretend that he did not. So he inched closer to help her with the bag and the change and the hair and herself. She thought that he had aged quite a bit, but in an elegant way. The lines were all there as an evidence of a messy life but in the places that added definition to him. The smile though, was still the same. Lopsided in one corner. Stop! What the hell is he doing here.

"Oh Thank you! Is it you? Uday? How are you? What are you doing here! Long time". He said he was getting some coffee while waiting for a connecting flight. He did not offer more. Maybe he should have. 

What will be the legacy of the presidential election of 2016?

Trump and his histrionics have shaken us all up but what is terrifying is the mute acceptance of his below-the-belt tactics by not just the Republican Party but a vast majority of American people and quite a bit of the rest of the world. It is terrifying because it feels like the world is lulled into believing that its all a joke and it does not personally affect them or that it does not matter! It is terrifying because it opens up the can of worms that human hatred can be. All the rules of decorum, public discourse, healthy debates have been shattered by Trump and his supporters and his endorsers without any reproach of any kind. The divide between the Republicans and the Democrats is no longer ideological or policy based which used to work in favor of citizens and helped serve the people better. Instead its a street fight now, where people pay to watch and get entertained. The gladiator world.
Yes, Hillary would be elected as the president and all of this could be forgotten as just a nightmare. She will be the first female president of one of the most powerful nations in the world. But won't her achievement pale in comparison to the knowledge that she won in this sort of an election year? That a big majority is 'only' voting for her because they do not want Trump? Will we ever recover from the fact that a crazy reality TV personality was a few votes away from becoming the president of the United States? Will the next elections be immune to such tactics? Can't another demagogue just as easily rise up and rile people up for personal glory and gains? Is it that easy to brainwash people into believing that diplomacy, truth, public service, good governance do not matter? If he can do it, what is stopping others.
 Maybe I am naive to not look to the past which has abundant evidence of thousands of dictators that have existed (and continue to exist) and how easy it was (and is) for them to keep masses captivated by their bulldog personalities. Maybe I am ignorant in thinking that somehow American political system affects the whole world- its economy, social justice, military warfare. Maybe it is dramatic to think that this election could cause irreparable and irrevocable damage for years to come. But to see this happening in real time, right before my eyes has shaken up the optimism I have. Cynicism leads to inaction which leads to it-doesn't-matter attitude which has lead to what is happening right now. That is why optimism is so much more needed at this time! How to be persistent with it, is the question.

EVOL

Note: This was written wayyyy before my previous post and was for some reason sitting in the drafts but I now have decided to let it be scrutinized by the world.

In my overall existence of 27 years on a planet between Venus and Mars, I think I have 'felt love' a total of almost 10 times. For people, animals and things. Mostly for animals and things. Love for people usually leaves me thoroughly confused and leads to a lot of intense inner monologues of how I feel for them. Only 10% of those conversations make it out in the world and usually in a jumbled up, incoherent manner. I show deepest emotions very rarely and justifiably so. SO! So I decided to let it all out here, for the first time, for you all to read and fall in love with me (like you always do).

Of course I am not going to be name dropping. Okay fine I will drop one name to satisfy your curiosity! Its CHUNMUN! My cat :) Ha! Gotcha! Y'all thought I would be naming women from Venus and men from Mars right? Right! Muhahahaha. Maybe I will, at the end of the post! (Notice my subtle marketing skills of making you read til the end- wink wink) Small disclaimer- it is not about people in particular but my feelings for people I have been in love with. Oh come on! Don't leave! Stay. Enjoy some philosophy once in a while instead of scoops.

It always starts in a major heart fluttering manner for me. I prefer rebellious individuals, even rebels without a cause would do. With cause, even better! So that has been my pattern, my list, my type. Bring a person who is a rebel with a heart and I will love you. No I will not. Sorry. I got carried away. Growing up, people who had something to say usually had some space in my heart. I hung out with the quiet ones but not the kinds who do not say anything. That is a big no no for me. I can't read your mind people! You gotta speak up from time to time and if you speak up for others even better! There, secret to my love life is out in the open. Who is interested? Anyone? No one. Sigh. FML.

Heart flutter, ears getting hot, face going red and a tonne of unabashed staring. Nonstop. So much so that it makes the desired person EXTREMELY uncomfortable. So then they go red in the face. Isn't it the best when you make people highly uncomfortable and kill all the chances you have with them? Just the best.

My love for each person has been unique to that person. I do not feel the same way for all. That will be weird bro. Hence, the pain that comes with that is unique too. But the love I have felt for all of em, as a single entity, it is the same which I do not feel for friends, family, acquaintances etc. Wait that did not come out right. I just mean that I feel the romantic love only for who I wanna feel and that is different from the love I feel for friends, family etc. Phew.

One can never compare love because the feelings that emerge out of each new person are unique and custom made to their own uniqueness. How can you compare two clouds? Except just lump all of them together into a group called clouds. Wow I am impressed with my metaphor.Also impressed with how hard I am trying to not give out specific details. Muhahaha. Again. I would give out details if each one of you individually called me and asked for it, but otherwise fuggitaboutit.

In the dusk of my 20s, some definitions have changed and some have solidified over the years. The one that has solidified is that I feel uniquely for each one I have loved. And at this point I feel like I am reiterating myself, like a stuck tape recorder but that is how I feel! Constantly. And I do not think I have been able to convey that uniqueness successfully all the time, sometimes due to ineptitude and sometimes due to lack of linguistic skills. I do know though that whenever I have tried, I usually have colossally failed. An example would be, one time I wanted to tell someone how absolutely possessive I was of them (in a good way) but instead some embarrassing, garbled horseshit came out which sounded like this- 'I love making you cry because then I get to make you feel better!' Argh. Yes I deserve all the bricks being thrown at me right now.

So to everyone I have been in love with, I love you people uniquely! With your own unique intensities, care and love. That cannot be interchanged, replaced or be forgotten. I am not sure if my readers agree. I know some will say 'one true love for me', 'you can love many people at a time', 'if not this one then the next one'. Sigh none of those work for me. I know I know I am a work of art. The love I feel is dedicated, devoted and it does not shy away or die away with time. It fades sometimes yes. I am a kind of out of sight out of mind person. But its never 'forever' out of mind, 'clean slate' etc. I have a healthy suspicion of people who say, "okay now my slate is clean, ready to pen a new one, screw the others". You can't do that. How do you do that? Yes you can forget, forgive, move on, but to clean a slate out permanently? Not possible. I am on to you guys! Be careful! And stop lying! Stop fabricating bs like 'one glove fits all kinds'. Its my glove that fits all, so use mine.

In Between

I wrote my last post in December 2015 and now it is July 2016. Have I been too busy to write something? No. Have I had inspiration to write something? No. Am I inspired right now? No. Do I wanna write something, right now, anyway? Yes. I did write something in between but saved it in drafts and that is where it quietly sits.

Last two years of my life have passed at a dizzying pace. So many new memories and so many new neural nets have formed in my brain that all the years before that have become fuzzy. I would like to believe that I am growing up for better but I cannot claim that confidently. There is definitely a shift in the total sum of my personality. I have made the mistake of believing that personality is fixed, experiences and situations change. But nothing is fixed including my personality. Including the fiber of who I believe I am, I was or will be. I am on the cusp of adding a new chapter to my life. I am entertaining the idea of bringing some seismic changes in my life which may change the course of my personality development for good or bad but I cannot claim that confidently.

From depression to anxiety to hormonal changes to social phobia to social anxiety to social rebellion to social cowering to chaotic confusions in my mind to succumbing to the world that changes every second and with which I change too, I have experienced everything to a varying degree. Have I kept my sanity, have I kept my friends, have I kept my relationships, have I kept my core, have I kept my ideas and thoughts? I cannot claim that confidently.

I have felt dizzying hatred towards things, people and ideas. And I say dizzying because the intensity has been frightening. I have felt tremendous love for things and people, which did not feel right either. I have read about impostor syndrome, lists of how to be happy, how to be confident, how to spot true friends, how to be a true friend, how to save money, how to get rid of cyctic acne, how to stop hair from graying, how to love your family, how to keep in touch, how to switch off, how to lose weight, how to dominate the world in 5 simple steps, how to train a dog, how to train your mind, how to be a monk, how to learn from history, how to predict future, how to live in the present, why my zodiac sign rules and how to revive the inner Beyonce. Have I done what I have read? Have I done what I felt? Have I felt what I have done? Cannot claim that confidently.

I live abstractly in between my ideas and my thoughts and ideas and thoughts shoved in my brain by others around me or the environment, social media, cataclysmic events and puppy videos. That is where I live and thrive and exist, alternatively. That is all I can claim confidently.

Stuff at home that makes me go apeshit and turns me into a raging gorilla monster

Yes, the title is big and self explanatory and you would ask why do we even need to read the rest of it when we already know you are bat shit crazy! To that, my friend, I would say, "Exactly! That is why you need to read it because I am crazy! Read motherfucker read! Or I will go ape shit all over you".

Now that we have the disclaimer out of our way, let us proceed.

Shower- This device was especially made in hell by Mr. Devil himself so that I could get scalded for my sins and frozen for my hubris as and when he pleased. If you are regular reader (pat yourself on the back first), you would know I have changed houses like I change light bulbs in my super pms-ing lamp( will get to it later). I have been given the worst possible shower deals in every one of those emfucking houses. The types range from:
a. Very little water- that my soap once told me 'fuck it, please don't use me, I don't wanna be stuck to your filthy body due to lack of WATERRRRRRR' Yes it roared in pain like that.
b. Too much water- that the force of it can make holes in my face.
c. Horrible drainage- that I can take 50 laps in my own filth until the water slowly, painfully decides to drain away.
d. Settings that are just plain dumb-They don't know if they should be hot or cold even if I beat the shit out of them! I beat the crap out of the settings whenever the following two things happen:  I turn it to hot and icebergs form on my head instantly or when I turn it to cold and the devil pees hot lava out of the shower holes all over me.

Microwave- Do not ever use my microwave when I gift it to you as your wedding present ( Of course I will tell you its brand new) because you WILL die like I do! Every. Day. That pile of shit will beep and cry until you move your ass and remove that year old, excuse of a curry you kept in it to thaw. It will beep like a 1000 puppies are burning in a gas leak fire! Just when you had decided to place your tired rear on an inviting couch as it takes 3 minutes to heat the 10 day old pasta (at the very least) the microwave will start beeping! And. keep. beeping. Oh it beeps so that your head starts ringing and you get filled up with an inexplicable  rage to punch 10 pandas for no reason , in the face, right on the nose.

Lamp: This horrible horrible crapfest of a lamp which I had referred to as 'super pms-ing' earlier (justifiably), is the bane of my life! Every few days it kills a light bulb which then goes to the light bulb heaven. This lamp is the opposite of light! It is a menacing black hole that devours its own lifeline! You could ask me - hey why don't you just get a new lamp! And I would say 'die and don't open your mouth'. Buy me a new one, come and put it in my house and shut it ; otherwise do not utter a single word.

Computer: MY LAPTOP HANGS. And I wish it would just hang itself one day and call it a suicide, otherwise I will kill it anyway. I will give it a merciless death that no computer has ever received before. I will take a rock and knock the wind out of it, then I will take the broken pieces and bury them. Then I will dig that little grave and exhume the body parts and burn them and bury them again. I will do this until every part of this laptop turns into ash and then I will bury that ash too. I promise.

Thermostat: This is one blazing, royal craphole of crapholes. Why don't they make the thermostats with ONE setting and one only- "COZY AMAZE". Right when I am ready to slip my hairy leg out of the comforter, the temperature drops and all hell freezes over. Literally. Fuck you thermostat industry. You should be sent to Antarctica, naked and made to be tickled by penguins there. Naked.

Frying pan: If there is a mirror to hell, it is one of my frying pans. I have some others but occasionally I need to use this particular hell mirror and nothing drives me crazier than when the frozen bread gets stuck to this garbage and takes me one light year to clean it. During one of those cleaning times, I just bang it on the counter repeatedly, continuously so that I could feel what it would be like to kill a frying pan in cold blood, if it were alive. It feels pretty good. I will not lie.

Keys: These jingly bastards are assholes. Period.

There is a never ending, inexhaustible list of things that frustrate me. So do not worry, there will be more. Until then, may all of your stuff annoy the fuck out of  you as much as mine does to me.

A Renaissance Woman

She dances, paints, sings and plays instruments 

She reads, cooks, talks and loves

She has learnt how to be alone with her thoughts

She deals with life like an iron willed warrior

She knows how powerful a yes and a no can be

She still believes in honesty, loyalty , vulnerability and affection

She comes in different sizes and shapes and colors and hues

She works long hours and sleeps long hours

She no longer strives to achieve the illusive balance

The balance within her comes from her strength of character

She is as masculine as you are feminine

She cares, dares

She is decadent, she is delirious with happiness, she writhes in pain

She cries, she sighs, she melts your heart

She owns her mind, her body, her choices

She seduces, she is an illusionist

She is high - on life

She is a feminist

And a renaissance woman.

To be or not to be

Do you think Shakespeare would have ever thought that someone centuries away would be sitting  and defiling one of his quintessential quotes in her blog? If you think so, you should slap yourself! Because the first-est thing he would have asked would be "what is this 'blog' thing, thy speaketh of "? The reason I am even mentioning Shakesy here is because apart from him, no one has ever encapsulated the conundrum of life so successfully before, right? So let me channel some of my inner tribulations about my existence and pour forth the lessons learnt.

What have I learnt in the past quarter century that I have inhabited this already over burdened sad little planet with? Okay let me first confess, I am listening to a playlist of Lana Del Rey's songs and I am distracted. She is singing whatever I am thinking. Born to die. Also her haunting voice does not help either! Anyway, snatching myself away from music and applying here, I have learnt a thing or two in these years. If I am lucky, I may get 3 more quarter centuries but I am not sure if that's the longevity I am looking for. Longevity in terms of meaning, legacy, work, family, memories would be good enough I guess. So do I know if I am right now, this very second, making good memories? Does my life have any meaning or has had meaning so far? I don't know. The neat thing is I will never know.

Even though I am a true believer of instincts, gut feeling whatever it is commonly known as, I find it neat to not know because what's the fun when you know everything? So I mentioned that we will never know if what we are doing has any meaning or not but we always have a vague feeling when we go astray. We always have a feeling gnawing at the back of our heads, telling us we might be meandering and to get back to something that makes sense. And I just try to hold on to it, dearly. What will become of me if I don't own my own instincts? If I blindly follow someone else's voice? All these years I have tried to listen to the sound of that voice in my head. I have worked hard to make sure that voice is mine and no one else's.

Alas, to disappoint my regular -2 readers, who have been reading in anticipation of pearls of Buddha wisdom, I have only learnt this; that the day my voice sounds like a friend's voice, or my father's or my mother's or someone else's then that would be the day I will cease. I will cease to be. I will cease to not to be.

There are days when I am mentally exhausted and I need it to be shown to me. to be told, to be instructed by anyone but me , but the beaten up voice comes fighting back telling me that I can be. All by myself if I wake up and just listen. 

Keep your instinct intact, safe and ever active. Just as active as your body and mind. The best way to hone instincts is to listen to them often even if they appear difficult to follow or make sense of. Develop them by practicing listening to them . I know and I know and I understand how difficult it is to listen to your own voice when life sometimes consists of emulating, imitating, fitting in, loving, caring, listening, doling out advice. Still, find time for it. Give it your presence and acceptance. 

That's all folks. Now, like the road runner in Hanna Barbera-esque world, I will swiftly sign off having handed over only thing I have ever learnt , to y'all! Until later, see ya, don't wanna be ya.