First loves of my life

So many things happen in the course of time that I wonder if I start documenting each thing, I would never get to sleep! But at the same time I dont like not being able to remember those moments perfectly after a while when I really want to. So here are, a few things that I wanted to write about for sometime now.

Music: It happened to me at a very young age ( I am not old by the way :)). I appreciate music as much as I can and I am liberal to the point where I can listen to really cacophonous stuff once or twice and be glad at that. Sometimes really random music gets to my senses like nothing else.It takes me to clouds above clouds. Some music shakes my deepest core and brings tears in my eyes without even really feeling any agony or sadness. I am not talking about the tears at beauty of the music but what it invokes in me, or how it makes me empathize with the emotion felt there. I used to have the ability to listen to music and do other things simultaneously like studying for instance but now I feel at times, that its an insult to music.However, it sometimes can make you concentrate much more on what you are really doing.I like everything in music, beats,rhythm,lyrics,even slight timbers of instruments unheard at the first listen and slight embers of emotions not felt unless that song/instrumental piece is heard over and over.My biggest fear is ( not darkness,lizards or anything huge or minute) that I would not be able to find a song that I heard somewhere and whose artist or lyrics or anything is unknown to me or sometimes when even the tune fades away from my memory and it leaves me panicked and I worry and worry and pressurize my brain to find that treasured tune from some random corner of my brain so that at least I can hum it to someone to get the whereabouts of that song :)

Dance: I have never learnt dance in my life so far and its one of the biggest regrets of mine. I wish I could move and be flexible like all those agile dancers but no I cant do it. Its a goal that I would learn at least one dance forms before I go away from this world.However this does not mean that I don shake my legs now and then and other body parts too ;) I dance like a kid when ever I do, I dance like there is no tomorrow and with every possible shard of that solid energy that I have saved up in me for such occasions. It revives me, it brings me back to life and since I am a thinker, I live in my own world of agony, miseries and dreams so crazy dancing makes me feel real and a part of this mundane world, something I do to come out of my cocoon.There is nothing better than hours and hours of uninhibited and carefree dancing on numbers that I would not usually listen to on my ipod.

Bollywood/Hollywood: This happened to me even before I got into the two above mentioned things. Its a lifeline. No I am not a fanatic. I don't have favourite actors/actresses. I used to, as an adolescent.But something about movies and these people is unreal, something intangible and it infuriates me that I cant skin them to bring them/these to my sense of reality.I get obsessed with some of their lives and some of the movies and scenes. I have loved bollywood for well over 15 years now ( add a few tamil and telugu movies to this list too ). I dont try to dignify it by calling it hindi film industry. I like it the way I have always known it to be. I love their music, dance, exaggerated sense of emotions, drama and relationships ( barring some real crap) I absolutely loathe bad acting. I will discuss some other time what is good acting for me. But having been brought up with bollywood ( part of routine), has given me some sense of differentiating between good/bad acting hence this self proclaimed film critic attitude :) This movie world is one of the biggest sources of my entertainment. I feel closer to characters on shows/movies than I would feel to some of the people.I love it and would always, however much people call it time wasting or ask me to get a life!

Basketball: Pure adrenalin rush this is. Purest of pure forms of it, I have felt on a basketball court during matches and practice sessions. I would get up at 5, 4,3 only for this sport and drag my physical frame to the court for this love of my life.It has taught me so much! To never give up even when I am trailing like a real loser. To never stop helping your team mate however injured you are.To lead when all hope is gone of winning a match and play till the last drop of your sweat.I dont play as well as I appear to because of my love for this game but I play enough to keep playing it all my life. I can spend hours on a basketball court and not feel bored or tired. It fills me up with a sense of belonging and is another home. It does not require anything else but my loyalty and love for the sport played on it.

I have loved books too but I would dedicate whole another outpouring for them!These things have made me who I am and probably who I would be for years to come. I get filled up with hope in this hopeless world as I feel, I at least have these to back me even when people are gone.The best friends who do not expect anything in return. No apologies, no guilt,no sense of betrayal from them :) Just pure two way love!
Life is beautiful because of these.

One random night in a bus while travelling..

I would rather look at the view outside and take it in,
Before I let my miseries sink in.
I would rather go up the light house and observe the sea,
Before I let my miseries sink in.
I would rather run around and chase a bumblebee,
Before I let my miseries sink in.

So when the miseries hit me at last,
I would still have this cherished past,
It would make me numb to the pain,
Its raining miseries so let it rain,
These cherished memories would not go in vain,
Despite the acerbic raindrops;
I shall be safe and sane.

My Broken Smile

Dreams of touching the sky
But my hands are fragile
My heart so undetermined
And torn is the mind.

I pat my back at the smallest of my achievements
But elusive is contentment
Sold out it is, to miseries, at the rate of pennies & cents
Oh don't I deserve too, a miracle Godsend?

Good God! you do take your own sweet time
I guess you too need to prove you are worthwhile
All you leave me with, are these melancholy rhymes
Testing my patience through never ending dark nights.

Why make me dream and dream?
When away you took my peace of mind
And gave my destiny a chance so slight
To fulfil itself through piles of plights
Now don't you dare tell me not to cry
When I haven't the right to ask you why,
You do all this and remorselessly so?
Irony is that, I still dream some more
After picking up the pieces of my broken smile.

Ranting of an idle mind

I took a solemn oath that I would never write my thoughts on a blog forum and my blog would be only for my poems which are intermittent discontinuous flow of my thoughts and those poems happen to me only occasionally. They are not life changing poems. They are random thoughts beaten up to rhyme and flow instead of usual flashes of musings that an average human often generates, rather always.

I needed to write this to delve a bit into layers of my being which constitutes mainly my mind and appearances of soul here and there whenever required. Being a Rajput, I was destined to possess a temper similar to the vortex generating in the tumultuous deep waters of some ocean. It started to show at regular intervals at regular people and seldom at strangers as well.Strangers, mind you not in a stranger sense but strange appearing in the formation of their minds and hearts to my senses. I dont claim to possess a sixth sense but my other senses are well intact or so I believe.

Yes so that well stored and well hidden temper started to spark and now its a beast I can control only when its leashes are also eaten up by itself.Let me clarify the metaphor. Leashes are nothing but my own mind but only after it is rotten to the maximum extent by the anger, does it come back to its original non-excited state.I try not to get into battles that are not mine.Battles where some weak (bodied and minded)soul is being suppressed but the plea has not been made to me to save them. Battles where I want to throw myself into and destroy the culprits and I do have the power and sensibility to do that but I am not recruited there. No one needs me to spew my anger out to get justice done. Still I do voice out my grievances. I try getting my voice heard to myself and to those others who sometimes do not possess even a sign of something called a soul.

Selfishness and manipulative behaviour are high on my list which break the gates of my patience and then there comes out flowing the said anger in volumes that surprise my small being of having contained an amount so enormous. It turns me into a beast larger than my 5 feet 3 inches existence and 22 years of negligible experience. I spit venom unparalleled by any other poisonous substance in the world and my vocabulary comprising of barely 3 languages dishes out words that would render me a hag and put hitler to shame and my ancestors would turn in their graves to close their ears.

After the tempest resides, I experience the usual bouts of guilt of having hurt another person with soul or soulless.I ask myself if I have the right to question anyone's motives when I sin everyday by doing things which one would not in an ideal world.I ask if I have the right to fight any injustice at the cost of exhibiting myself as crass, shot-tempered,inexperienced and sometimes uneducated (I am studying rocket science literally!) Should I not behave like a woman as she is projected in shastras and vedas. A woman who is an epitome of patience, love and mercy in an ideal world has never been epitomised by me. Close people would call me an exact opposite replica of that above-mentioned sacred ancient creature.

I have settled many differences with many people and I have raised hell with many as well and there are a few stones still turned and my venomous temper has left me no option to bring back those stones to the right position. I do a lot of introspection but when a real situation arises where I need to stand up for myself or for anyone else, I end up tackling it in the same old unique way of handling things that runs in my blood. That is destroying the threat with anger and straightforwardness. I have never in my life employed diplomacy or put up another face to situations where I need to and sometimes that shakes my foundation of believing in being true to yourself. It shakes me because I see how diplomacy works in this world and how only those people achieve success( relative to one's thinking) who have mastered this art.

Well, its not like I did not try. I did and how and how many times. But I end up making a fool of my self in the process . My diplomacy again makes my ancestors turn one more time in their graves just to laugh at my pathetic attempt at diplomacy. Old people are like that; it cant be helped. They dont sit at one place to understand why their great-grand-daughter is seething and boiling regularly with enough anger to burn another soul with just one look.They are not the topic of my ranting here. So getting back to myself, I wonder how I can tackle problems with out giving a piece of my mind to someone who has managed to make me angry in the first place.Now that makes me think no one, (after all I am all but 22 and I have hardly seen the world and all people around me are not Osamas)can possibly be that evil so as to make me get my blood pressure rising to highest notches possible.

They cant be. No one is evil. May be a little. Then why should I use up all the Rajputana anger on trivialities ? Instead I can do wonders like go to space without a space suit or jump into a sea and fight a shark. And then my semi-formed brain tells me , are not the evils that you try to fight on a daily basis similar to the sharks in the ocean and unknown forces in the space that can burn you if you are not wearing your protective space suit?

Very interestingly my brain fights with itself giving counter reasoning to my any reasoning which are a few anyway due to attention deficit disorder. Yes I am a self proclaimed short term attention disorder sufferer like self proclamation of Baba Ramdev of being a soldier of truth and Sai baba of being the owner of gold, silver.iron and many such 'precious' metals.
So in short I can only think of things for a small time and then I HAVE to shift to other things. Its like I never want to be biased to all the things in the world by just thinking about only one thing at a time.These short comings in a body like mine make me highly undesirable by the opposite as well as the same sex people.Its not a very favourable condition in which any human being would like to live let alone an amoeba. Not being liked by many and being liked by a few only, because they are scared not to like you ; are not ideal conditions at all to culture a species like ours. Nothing to take away from people who do love me unconditionally , but well, they would know better why they do so.

So like I said my brain asks me several uncomfortable questions after I cool down which is after destroying one or two relationships because of my unwarranted anger and unchanelled( no word like this exists!) vocabulary and its usage. Most of the times, as the human tendency is, to defend yourself against any interrogation by your mind , I too take the high road of shutting up my brain and sleeping on my worries.

I wonder if I would ever grow up or if I would ever learn to handle things in a better calmer way like all those sales men in the world who have solutuon and a smile for everything. In the end we all are trying to sell something to this world and people in it. Be it our love , our friendship, our company and we are selected if all of these are according to the taste of the other person. Its a crass way of describing this procedure but truth is no sugar.is it? So if in larger scope of things we are nothing but sales men then why should I not learn their ways and bottle my anger, my straighforwardnes, my true brutal honesty, up and throw it in the sea. Why should I not put on a smile and take every shit and be happy because that is how people get friends and live happily ever after!

Oh...logical reasoning right??
But how could I stop my 1 year old brain ( actually its still in its foetus state)from countering any right crap that my same brain comes up with? It says if you become like a billion others then what would be your identity? You would not be a sales man but you will end up a commodity that is just like another one made in the same batch and processed in the same assembly line!

Food for thought is it not? Well, now I would sleep on it. I will face the repercussions when they come my way birthed by my stupid adamant Rajputana high minded ways of living life on my own terms. The fight inside my mind of brain vs brain shall continue till I find the answers and the right way of living a life!

A Conversation With the Sun

Dewdrops freezing on the surface of leaves
Like ice glistening in a long forgotten, frozen sea
Ice bergs have been floating in the same ocean,
For an eternity
Wouldn't you rise from the mountains?
Yes I am talking to you, the mighty Sun.

Sliver of light in the clouds
Is all I have seen for long now
Skin has melted, now the soul shivers too
Away, far far away, all the birds flew
Wouldn't you make a blazing shameless appearance?
Yes I am talking to you, the mighty Sun.

I think you lost your way once again
Turning my home into a hell in the process
And shining gloriously upon some other haven
Left are no blossoms,no twigs,no grass green
And withered have all the brave men
Wouldn't you have mercy even after aeons?
Yes I am talking to you, the mighty Sun!

Pray, shower upon us some sunshine
Say , you come here once in a while
And along with you,do bring some warmth wrapped smiles
This is all I wish and understands no one.
So I talk to you, yes you, the mighty Sun.

The Hard Way

Life running at full pace
Stops at bay.
Why doesn't it take a plunge in the ocean of happiness?
Probably,to teach a lesson the hard way.

Mistakes repeated repeatedly,
They do not rest even for a moment or two
When shall one ever repent?
If immediately, a new one follows in the old one's shoes.

One could try to be inured
Of all the thorns adorning the bouquet of life
But what can be done if upon unraveling it,
One finds only dried blossoms inside.

There were mirages of moments rejoiced in the past
now mirages have turned into meandering, blind alleys
Well, the sweet & reassuring oasis was only a blink away
When the damned life taught its lesson the hard way.

You

The whole universe has conspired
To get me inspired
Or else how would I be singing
How would I be smiling?

Shameless childish dreams of mine had been sleeping
Yearning to wake up!
But some nightmares had inhabited my nights
And shut all of my smiles up.

Oh look my lips quiver
In the anticipation of feeling some raindrops
A few of my heartbeats have formed a tune
To some of the lyrics, hummed before, that were not.

Listen to what my pulse is saying to you
Feel the music in it!
Look at my eyes twinkle,
They have found some excuse to love the world and everything in it.

I have picked up some roses from the backyard
And they adorn my white dress
My hair shines like a young black night
Isn't all of it like the first time we met?

The smile that playfully crossed your lips
The mischievousness in your eyes, apparent,
Yet didn't you innocently hold my hand
And point towards the starry sky, beautiful and eternal?

A lock of my hair when blew in air
Didn't you stop us while walking and sigh?
telling me how I am an angel
And how because of my presence, your world felt right?

Reminiscing everything I am tonight
And so I am not scared of any nightmare
I know that you are praying there, for me
As I am gazing mindlessly at your picture, here.