If you wanna know me, memorize the following

1. I am 5 feet 3 inches (pretty tall I think!)
2. I have brown eyes and brown-black hair.
3. I am slightly chubby but pretty hot in my own mind (read: smokin)
4. I have a love-hate relationship with technology. Some I can absolutely do without and some I just cant live without! Like a mobile phone. Yes! well that's all. As a kid I used to always want to write short texts to people and I didnt know when it became an addiction. Umm, so really its just texting. (People dont text and drive though, bad things happen like you may not see the ghost on the road)
5. I am and used to be a biiiiiiiig tomboy. I am starting to acknowledge my feminine side and I find it fun to be girly now. But as a kid and a teenager, I absolutely hated girly girls and girl talk (I kinda still do, like for example; if you start yapping about the color you'd like on your dress during your nephew's ear piercing function, I may end up physically and emotionally harming you.)
6. I like all colors. Except when I was a little kid, I used to hate yellow for some reason, dunno why! (it reminded me of poop). And one day I juts had an epiphany that yellow is after all a good color because its not yellow's fault that he/she was born that way.
7. On the topic of colors, yes, for a long time I believed that red, pink, orange etc are girls. Blue, black, white, brown etc are boys. Weird. (sexist no?)
8. As a kid I wanted to grow up and become a teacher and give kids candy and take care of them.
9. I love rain and the smell of the earth. There is no smell more intoxicating or absolutely mesmerizing than the smell of the earth when it rains.
10. I believe I have attention deficit disorder as I cant concentrate on one thing for a long time. I cant be in one place unless I am sleeping which I love! I have the habit of digressing and asking off-topic questions which irritates my friends. Sometimes I also drift away, ummm most of the times. I have a huge huge  imagination and an imaginary land where I like to go when stressed. Day dreaming used to be the most fun activity even as a kid. I once drifted off during an exam and after 2 hours realized, I have only one hour to write the whole freaking paper!!
11. I am a very sore loser. I remember as a kid, losing in a drawing competition to a classmate ( I came second) and then the next whole year I practiced just one drawing for the next year's competition and drew it so well that I got the first prize. Apart from that drawing, I cant draw or paint but if I learn it, I feel I can be pretty good at it.
12. This reminds of motivation. I am a pretty self motivated person and my brain is enough to get me up if I am down. I usually try listening to every advice but end up doing what my mind says, which more or less lands me in problems. (Hey Sup: Dont do this, My brain: Hell yeah!, Hey Sup: seriously dont! My brain: Muhahahaha. Later I was found in pain with a stomach disorder caused from eating bricks)
13. I LOVE star gazing and I have discovered too many constellations and named them. I study them and I like to believe that there is much more to our cosmos than what meets the naked eye. Much more!
14. I love the american pickle. Something about vinegar and the cucumber. I know people usually hate them but I can eat as many as possible. Omnomnomnomnomnom.
15. I dont like desserts or chocolates except tiramisu and I dont know why.
16. I like to keep fit whether or not I have the means or time to do so. I start growing uneasy if I dont have stamina.
17. I watch superheroes, cartoons, anime, bad movies, good movies, comedies, romance, drama, horror, thriller. Everything. I have never said no to a film because people told me that its bad. Except if I am too tired to watch one.
18. I love books. Story books, novels, non-fiction, anything and everything! Till I found the treasure of story books & novels which is till 8th standard, I used to dutifully read all my English text books stories and Hindi text book stories. Even Sanskrit, just to be able to read something. News papers, magazines, journals, listen to news. I dont know why I am such a story-holic or need to educate myself at every step. I dont like missing any great story or any good piece of information. ( Sidney Sheldon was my favorite author during my world-is-so-unfair phase so yeah I read EVERYTHING)
19. I have fought with guys as a kid and given good thrashing to some just to prove I am as strong as them, physically :D It used to be fun then. (And now)
20. I have some very wonderful friends and I treasure them as much as family. I dont believe that family comes first and friends come and go. I firmly believe that every relationship is earned. I am very loyal. And any kind help from my friends is cherished beyond emotions. That reminds me, that I am extremely emotional and I would cry if you are crying without knowing the reason! All silly dramas on TV and movies and books can make me cry in a single second. Similarly anything to do with India, our flag, our national anthem when sung would bring tears to my eyes. (To top the list would be F.R.I.E.N.D.S finale, seriously though, there is no meaning or purpose left to life after the show ended in 2004)
21. I love pets but I am also scared of them. It requires me sometime to overcome my fears. I had the most wonderful kitten once which passed away and left me heart broken and weirdly it took liking to only me in my family when I am the most scared of pets. (Keep your iguana away from me!)
22. I love playing basketball, badminton, kabaddi (yes!) and swimming and quidditch.
23. I can decently sing, write poetry, debate, cook and speak a few languages.
24. I cant dance :( But that doesn't  stop me from dancing. I have always loved to move it, move it.
25. I dont believe in marriage and any other known absolute institution. My beliefs stem from experiences and intuition. You may now kiss his bride.
26. I love clothes and shoes but I am not a shopaholic( I also don't lie) and that is because I am extremely lazy or otherwise I would be one.
27. I have absolutely no interest in jewelry not because I dont like wearing it but because as a kid I am the only one who would have lost every piece of jewelry given to me. Either lost it or broke it. My body is better without any jewels for their own safety. I am a jewel policewoman.
28. I can go any amount of hiking, adventure stuff, running even if its killing me physically. Even if I am not the fittest person to undertake them. (afterwards, I usually am found passed out on a couch)
29. I am one of the few lucky ones who had both their grandmothers telling stories almost every night. That's where love for stories comes from. And my childhood friend Soni who told me she could be an alien or adopted.
30. I am extremely forgiving. I believe that forgiving others is important if you ever wanna be forgiven. An eye for an eye kinda philosophy.
31. Out of sight is never out of mind. I treasure memories and people. Faces yeah, names not much. Whats in a name anyway?
32. I hate spending more than 5 minutes in a bath. It becomes claustrophobic!
33. I have a penchant for learning English and writing in it. I have great love for Urdu as well. I have read quite a bit of poetry in Urdu. Someday I wanna learn French or as a matter of fact any language. (DON'T make me learn Java though)
34. I love religious rituals especially diwali but I am not religious. I also take interest in ancient mythology but as an academic interest as opposed to religious. I also am a brahmin priest who is not a born brahmin. Who is?
35. I have read bible and and I have read many translations of the other holy books as a kid , so that I could quench the thirst for learning about other religions. If you have a religion, show me your book and I shall read it.
36. Beach, lakeside and other water bodies are the only true source of peace for me. I can swim partially.
37. I would love to ( will not though) climb mountains and ranges.
38. Kindness is the only way. I am trying to teach myself this virtue.Shut up!! I am doing what I can.
39.I am open about my feelings like a closed book and I tell them as they are/could be made up in my brain.
40. If you wanna small talk, no thank you. If you wanna strike an interesting conversation, you are most welcome!
41. Roses ( all colors) are my favorite flowers.
42. I take a keen interest in Indian and international politics, economics and justice system and E!News.
43. I watch cricket, tennis and India participating in pretty much any game on an international level. I watch with a lot of fervor and so the losses depress me!
44. I love traveling. Not in airplanes.
45. If you like me, chances are high that I would reciprocate it more than evenly. If you don't, then kindly take a hammer and hammer the back of your head (hard) till it starts working.


To be updated in the future, often, as I change and grow up (if ever)

Delayed Appreciation

Appreciation in life for little things comes through experiencing them or by losing them. My story here is a mix of both. It has been 5 months since I was given Kindle for my birthday. I pride myself for being a bookoholic in a good sense not the book-worm kinds. I read with a penchant and a lot of focus towards the style of writing, the language, characterization,plot,moral, flow, sense, factual and real treatment in case of biographies,autobiographies and non fiction. I do this so that I can take inspiration from these writers, so that my experience as a reader and an amateur writer gets enriched.

This piece of writing, however, is not about the favorite books or how a book is written but about how a book is read and how I overcame my reluctance of accepting change. So like I mentioned, I had the kindle but I was disdainful when I was gifted it and I slightly cursed the friend inside, for giving it to me. A mild displeasure and chastising my friend for not asking me what I wanted and  instead spending money on a gift I would not use. How wrong was I in my complacency about my own willpower.

I did not bother putting any books in it. 'Oh it costs money to put books in it? whats the use? It is so much more expensive than buying a nice book and reading it like a book should be read!' My sentiments stem from a deep dislike for technology. Yes I work on computers,machines day in and day out but as an old school yet young female(yes I am still young as opposed to the grandmother-y feeling of me that you are getting from reading this ) , I like to run away from it when I need to relax. I would any day run outside than on a treadmill or read a book instead of watching tv, provided I have a good book in my hand. So using kindle instead of a book felt blasphemous. How could I not feel the rustle of the pages, painful yet prided paper cuts,smell of the old books?? How would I then be able to use bookmarks that I make from combs to tissue papers to clothes I am wearing, hand kerchiefs, pens,tooth picks, my own hand in the case of being unable to fight sleep? (I didnt wanna lose track of the page at any cost while reading HP-Sirius Black's death scene). All these and many other reasons. Sentimental and foolish ones. I am usually one of the last people on this planet to get introduced to different technological advancements. I learnt how to use a computer last, as compared to my contemporaries, seniors and juniors and even my little brother. You would ask what about a camera? I would say yes.
You would say what about facebook?
twitter?
email id??
programming languages?
gym equipment?
mixer??!!
blow-drier?
pencil with refills?
sharpener?? ( you would say ' you have got to be kidding me', I would say I kid you not. I was happy using a blade which is much more dangerous and has been a proud owner of cutting my fingers several million times but I was somehow more comfortable with it)
so on
so forth
I would save you energy and say yes to all of them above. Yup, I learnt to use them later than many other people even the dumber ones.

So kindle, how preposterous and scandalous for my nerves! Until I closed my eyes, prayed to God, cursed my friend again and started reading a book in it. Oh my my we could use portrait or landscape mode! what ?we could dim the light at night?? We can choose bigger or smaller fonts? OMG we could press on a word and dictionary would show its meaning?!! Upon discovering this last little fact I was salivating like when I do waiting for a plate of chilly chicken. Also, because I am one of those finicky people who just have to see the meaning of the word even if it requires putting the breathless story down for a moment, getting up from my lazy ass, opening the dictionary and looking it up (read OCD ) ! Yes somehow I am not lazy when I need to do this even if I groan inwardly at myself for having the urge to look the word up, right when I had nicely settled in with a good book in my hand.

Kindle, oh sweet kindle , for silly people like me who make sillier noises for the familiar rustle of pages in between their fingers, you even made your surface rustll-y and rough! I was ashamed of slowly liking this device and forgetting how much I stood up for the good old books. Then I learnt publishing houses and authors do earn from the sales of their books in such devices. Wow strike hundred and one of the worrying causes...!

So you see how actually experiencing something makes you appreciate it. I changed and I am thankful that i didnt throw away the gift or gift it to someone else or else I would have lost on reading many books which are good and require you to go to a library or a book store to buy them. Sometimes I am too lazy to do that so I used to postpone buying them, but now I can buy them right from my room.

I know I know you would say 'you wretched sell out!!' But I shall gladly take the asides and keep reading my books on the kindle because no matter how much I try to hide it, I DO LIKE to read my books on it. There I said it! Phew! Quit bothering me, you!yes you, my foolish conscience :-)

Disclaimer: Its not an article to advertise Kindle. I use it here for the lack of knowledge of other reading devices. If you use any other, do not launch an attack over the companies and their policies. If you do not use any device, I suggest you do first and then attack me!

My bed

how I love that little corner of my bed
curled up in a comfy blanket
straighten the cold side of my pillow up
put my head down and feel it all up
oh it plays nasty games with me
with its open invitation, seduces me
wish I could just lie down for a wee lil bit
snuggle up and sleep like a pig
snore and snore and snore away
till the next to next to next day
oh stop enticing me soooo much
let me go and for once do my work
I aint a tough litlle cookie when it comes to you
I melt at your sight and jump at you
hug you like a lost little puppy
feel your warmth and be a baby
hold on to you like I do to my mum
arent you as cuddly just like her
be peachy now, and let me go
let me carry on with my chore
I promise I will be back by night
like the good obedient child
back in your lovely inviting arms
and sleep till the next morn!

fear

Fear. The gut wrenching sensation, as if your entrails are being held by clippers and pulled out. The pit of your stomach becomes a void, larger and larger as the seconds pass and darkness is palpable, it is in front of your eyes. Death appears to be a welcome inevitability just so that you can avoid the engulfing fear.You perspire as if the glistening moisture would wash the fear away but to no avail.your heart beat is no more rhythmic and pounds like a judge's gavel until you feel you may not have another beat.You look around like a helpless yearling expecting the ax on your neck, any moment. Blood would be all over and the end will arrive.You cant sweat or dilate your pupils anymore. Any minute and the fear would overtake your senses.You are counting the senses that are still functional. Eyes can partially see, ears can partially hear your own heart pound heavily, nose is smelling the stench of the ugly ugly fear in your deepest core and skin feels the harbinger of death and prickles, gives you goose pimples like you are standing stark naked in the arctic winter.

I have felt this every single time I have undertaken something that is beyond my little existence, an exam, a rafting experience without knowing how to swim, skydiving from a plane when the instructor says there are odds that we may not come back alive; that the concept of probability in mathematics for which you were searching a real life phenomenon to apply it on, you have found it the moment your partner cum instructor attached to your waist whispers that think of god and jump.This is what I have felt going for some of the toughest exams in my life, be it accepting a truth in front of my parents, friends, going for reciting a poem in front of a crowd of 200 people, compering a show in front of 2000. Be it trying to learn how to swim and hold my breath in the blue water, as comforting as it is around me,I sink and find it impossible to hold it for even one more second and the comforting water enters the mind and eyes and tries to take you towards the tunnel with the white light at the end of it.Be it gathering up the courage to go and talk to my boss about a pending presentation or to go to my dad and let him know that my current job may not last. Be it a nightmare where an invisible entity is pressing down my neck till I cant move my fingers, or scream out. Even if I scream, no one appears to hear me. They are all around there smiling but no one can hear.Fear does this to you. It makes you believe that you are nothing but a useless piece of shit who is about to be annihilated from the face of existence and wait and watch till it gets you. It makes you believe in the panic that your own sane mind presents in front of you and you become nothing but a caged animal about to be killed or a kidnapped little girl about to be beheaded when your loved ones cant hear you and cannot get you out and you just wait and watch..

But you try, you try to move that little finger, you try to calm your freaking brain down, you try to move one muscle at a time, you try to remember a smile, a kind face, a warm hand just to make sure fear does not reach the core. You try one step at a time and slowly you muster enough galls to challenge the fear.You challenge it to appear again even when you are deathly afraid of it.You keep challenging and threatening it little by little until it raises its hands in surrender.Guess what, you just took the leap of faith and jumped from the sky accelerating at 2G's towards the earth and you just won against it.

                                                                                                                          - Supriya

Rain Rain

'Rain rain go away , little Johny wants to play' was and has been my favorite rhyme since I was a little kid because, I sympathised with Johny. I always wanted to play in the rain but my mum wouldnt allow. So I thought why not write something on it :)

The smell wafts from the freshly rained earth and reaches all the senses
Makes you want to make some mistakes
Urges you to stand under the pouring waters
And purge some of your pains

Grass is never so greener
As if it is saving its chastity till the rainfall arrives
And then it breaks all the barriers of shyness
In the raindrops, it revels.

You too want to let go and get wet
If you fall sick , so be it
But first soak your tired feet in a puddle of fresh rain water
Jump in joy a little bit

Let it wash away some frazzled lines off of your face
And replace the frown with an innocent smile
If you wanna dance, go ahead
It will be worthwhile

Splash splash you go kicking the water on the road
Swish swish goes the wind whizzing by
Water speckles the body with muddy freshness
All the flowers, leaves sway and smile

So rain rain please stay
Pour down on me like there's no other day
I shall fall and roll on the wet grass
Dance up a storm while I laugh and play

You think

oh god this urge for writing never leaves me yet it doesnt provide me with an engaging theme or the best writing capabilities to put forth that theme, that topic. I yearn and yearn to write but nothing happens that drives the thoughts in my mind to be penned on a paper ( blog in this case).
How do we quantify the grasp over a language , a writing technique, a set of experiences that would enable us form something meaningful out of our thoughts? Do we have to be extremely good at a language or do we deem it sufficient what we already possess?

Not sure and afraid that I will ever know the answers of the questions mentioned above. I could rant what is disturbing me, I could form verses to make my thoughts poetic, I could intellectualize them and put them down in a way that no one understands,not saying that intellectualizing is bad but could be an obstacle for a reader who really does want to understand your thoughts and opinions.

But seriously the urge for writing just doesnt get sated even when I am out of the energy to write. What could I write about that hasnt been written already. How do I engage you when nothing engages me, when especially I give such fleeting attention to writing. I try to read but I cant anymore , I try to watch sensible things that would make me appreciate the writing behind it, be it comedy or serious thoughtful drama, but it works sparingly. So I listen to music at times that gives me inspiration. Dont think that because music pieces are short hence they capture my attention, because short stories and short movies do not appeal to me at all. I did not like short stories and I absolutely cannot stand short films. Very rarely a short story engages me and even then it would lead me to pine for more, it would make me want to beg the writer to write a bit more in that story.

Ironically , I try writing articles in few words and hence I fail because I do not like the idea of them myself. May be I should stick to poetry, may be I should not even write, may be I should get up now and leave this in a draft. What am I doing?

Such a dearth of tools in my own mind that I do not use the universe full of themes around me to encapsulate them in words.

khaali makaan

makaan khaali khaali sa laga
usme ghar jo na basa tha
balcony bhi thi virani si
bachchon ka kahkaha jo na tha
imli ke ped ko bahut jhada
par usme imliyan thi hi kahan
samay ki parchaiyon me apna chehra dhoonda
lekin man ka aaeena dhundhla mila

khidkiyon ke sheeshon pe
mitti ki parat jami payi
pata nahi kab makdiyon ne deewaron pe jaala buna
dahleej pe lagake rakkhe kaan magar
barso se teri aahat ko darwaazon se na aata hua suna

kai arso se koi chala nahi is makaan ki taraf aati hui pagdandi pe
chhat pe soi soi hawa ko bhi thahra paaya
poocha toh kai baar dakiye se mere purane basere ka pata

laakh dhoonda kuch pata na chala
laakh poocha par kuch laapata hi raha


translation:

House was empty empty
There was no home in it
Balcony was also lifeless
Noise made by kids wasn’t there
Shook the tamarind tree
It didn’t have any tamarinds
Looked for my face in the time’s shadow
But found the heart’s mirror hazy


On the panes of the windows
There was a layer of dust settled on it
Dunno when spiders made their cobweb on the walls
Had put my ears on the threshold
But haven't heard the sound of your steps at the doors for years

No one has walked for a while towards this house on the small unpaved way leading to it
The air on the terrace was sleepy and I found it still
I did ask the postman many times the address of my old home
Searched a million times, nothing was known
Asked for it a million times something was always left unknown



(basa= built/made/settled)
(virani=empty/withoutlife)
(virani=empty/withoutlife)
(parchaiyyan=shadow)
(dhoondhla=hazy/transluscent/covered with fog or dust)
(khidkiyan=windows, sheesha=glass/mirror)
(mitti=dust/soil, parat=layer,jami= settled/frozen)
(makdiyan=spider, deewraon=walls)
(dahleej=threshold between the inner house and outside just below the door frame, darwazon=doors)
(barson=years,aahat=sound of movement or feet)
(taraf= that way,arson=a while/years, pagdandi= sort of unpaved way made by walkin over grass)
(thehra= still, soi=sleepy,hawa=air,chat=terrace)
(poocha=asked,kai baar=many times, purine=old, basere=home, pata= address)
(laakh= million/some number, kuch=something,daakiya =postman)
(laapata=unknown/lost)