Conversations with Myself

My motivation levels soar and dip periodically, making me sometimes think  if I am depressed or if that is how this life is. A series of soaring and dipping in all of its literal and allegorical sense. But this conversation is not about the fickleness of my motivation but the intensity of the crests of it.

I do get highly motivated these days when I see or hear about concepts that are new or the ones that have been lurking around and I didn't pay enough attention to them. Every time I hear about how human resource could be used to make an impact on humanity and the nature, I get excited. Through this kind of response of my body & mind to this type of stimulus, I have learnt that that is how I get inspired and motivated to do something. Motivated to learn about how to make an impact and then how to turn that motivation into actionable items.

I have always had a vivid imagination but lately it has been hard to come up with any novel ideas to deal with the life or its atrocities. I do not mean atrocities in my life but the ones that the humanity has to deal with constantly. I am a pretty strong person mentally so I do bounce back from personal setbacks in relatively shorter span; although, even that takes longer sometimes as compared to when I was younger. Something about the body and mind fatigue I guess. But, I feel exercising, having a healthy environment including supportive family and friends help a lot with the building up of 'bounce back plasticity' of a human :)

However, it takes a while to get out of the numbness that the world brings about in you, through the constant struggle of humanity against evil, hardships, selfish leaders, corruption and man made disasters. I start wondering if anyone is capable of doing anything about it. It starts to feel daunting and pointless and to be honest, extremely futile. So, I have learnt ( gradually) that it is not okay to feel burdened by everything happening in the world- that it is almost a sure shot way to push oneself into a downward spiral of nihilistic mindset and negative thinking.

What helps are small tasks that I can do to change this state of mind. Small tasks to get myself back on track, like making my bed, taking a shower, talking to my mother, chatting with my brother, spending time with my partner, cooking, having a decent meal and maybe even read a few pages of a good book or a well researched article. Once I am done with this, I move on to thinking about what my small (1 in a 6 billion people) existence can do about the things happening around her! How can it make an impact and bring about change if any.

To be continued..

SUNNY DAY

I look out and there are leaves swaying in the warm September Sun
Eighty degrees hot and eighty degrees happy
All the skins shimmer with the tiny molecules of the sunshine entering them
Warming the insides like a whole cheesy fondue

The leaves sparkle
The air has an inchoate potency
Maybe it will carry that secret of life from me to you
Maybe it will brush by your ears softly and say nothing

The blue of the sky against the green of the Earth
The brown of my body against the yellow of the Sun
We have the whole rainbow right here
The whole wholeness of existence existing

The water is the bluest of the blue
Maybe I will dive into its hue
Brimming with wild wild wild waves
Sunny day in the middle of September
And here we are

Milestones

8 more months until I turn 29. Life feels like its hurtling towards a station that is old, fragile, filled with responsibilities and lots of old bones. I don't know if my parents felt this way closing in on their 30s. They had already had my brother and I by their 30s so I guess they wouldn't have even had a chance to take a minute and take it all in. I have some big milestones coming up soon that I am excited, nervous and worried about. I must admit I am more excited than anything else. When you invest so much of your time into your life, work, relationships and then you commit to them even harder, it makes you feel like you have achieved something. I have wholeheartedly, 100% been involved into my life, whether it came to giving love or taking love, giving mercy or getting mercy! The truth and the intensity that you sow into your bonds brings them to a wonderful culmination founded on sweat, grime, tears and love. No one said it would be easy. No one said it would be great but at least I tried and gave it my best.

Arriving at my 29 would mean I arrived there battered, bruised, beaten up yet triumphant. I can recall just how much I used to yearn to be independent, even at a very small age! I wanted to be my own woman, have my own money, house, job, relationships, degrees and things that I achieved on my own! My parents had always given me their tremendous support but that was usually contingent on me not fucking up. And fucking up is what I mostly did. Trial and error and trial and error. Things that I have done, I know for sure none of the folks I know have. And vice versa. Each decision of mine was based on intuition, silliness, high risk taking disposition and a fair amount of unwarranted hubris that comes with young age. And you know what, I am fucking proud of it. I am proud of myself that I spoke up whenever I could, whenever there was a need, always against injustice and always for truth! I hate cowards, I hate people who just go on about their lives (the ones who have decently cushion-y lives and decent cushion-y jobs) and never ever think, talk, see or speak about anything apart from themselves. I have seen and been with those people as well. And I have sent out my hugs and brickbats to all of them whenever there was a need of either.

This is not to forget the best of the best people I have met who have taught me patience, assertiveness, politeness in the face of shit hitting the fan and being yourself, no matter which way the fucking world turns. I am grateful to them for that. I am grateful to my life that helps me meet so many wonderful people that I cry with gratitude sometimes. I just cry that there is so much fucking humanity in this life. Why would anyone be an asshole still? Beats me!

So hey closing in on 29 and then 30 and hitting some great milestones has me dancing like a peacock in the monsoon! And as much as I fear, I am getting older, I am also filled with an abundant joy and excitement. That there is so much more to see in this life. That I get to live some more, see some more, speak out my truth some more and give joy and give back to the world some more!

There is more to come my friend! Hang tight and keep being yourself!

Good Byes

Sadness, do not leave
Come sit by me
Let me ask you what is going on?
Why do you visit me so frequently

Why do you knock so often
At my door and my windows
And if I shut them tight
You still whisper softly!

Are you alone?
Do you not have anyone?
I am concerned about you
You desire too much of my company.

I need to spend time with my loved ones
I need to take care of myself
I need to acknowledge happiness too
She is shy in approaching me!

Please learn some selflessness
Do not be so needy.
An evening would do you'd said
But you ask of eternity!

Hereby, I break up with you
Let us see each other no more
Let us part ways,
Its late at night already.
You carry on with your life
And let me be, let me be
Let me be.

Higher Power

Worship you, I everyday
Worshiped you cannot be
How illusive 
How evasive are thee!

I hold and hold and hold you
You slip right through 
My fingers, my understanding
My maze and my zoo.

Oil and water
We never meet, 
We never become a solution
Just separable,distinct queries.

Shall I close my eyes?
Or whisper your name?
You are soundless, sightless 
Present but unclaimed.

The more I seek 
The more I lose
The more I forget
The more you loom
Infinite, endless
Is this enlightenment loop.

Incomplete Travelogue 2016 - 1

The year left behind by me, at the stroke of mid night on the 31st Dec, held millions of moments. I wish I had penned down each to document them but I am extremely lazy when it comes to doing anything let alone writing. I visited 4 countries and one of them twice. Each place brought a sense of wonder and an equal sense of non wonder. Every place on this Earth is the same and the minute you set foot there and meet the people, eat the food, humanize the name of the place in your heart, it loses its wonder. It becomes a part of your own story and then you cannot detach it from yourself and cannot maintain the sense of wonder. Albeit, it was amazing to visit all those places I had heard of in stories. If I have made it sound like I turned an experience  that 99% of the world's population craves for into an ordinary fare, I apologize. I lack the articulation to explain what I meant. I hope it conveys itself eventually. But to maintain that wonder let me talk a little bit of each place I visited!

Mexico- I went there twice last year. Once for a close friend's wedding and another time for work. The two visits brought forth two distinct flavors of the country that was made famous by a delusional orange idiot in 2016. More on that later. First flavor was exotic, beautiful and happy landscapes that include beaches, villas, oceans and that dry dry air of Mexico. Cabo had so many things to do that my partner and I were in constant awe of it. Not only we met a loving beautiful family who let us be a part of an intimate wedding but we met some locals and foreigners who seemed out of adventures books. A couple who we stayed for a day with, comprised of a Costa Rican husband and a Thai wife. She spoke of how she sees the world without boundaries and how she wants to keep traveling and working wherever her heart takes. Of course to achieve that she and her husband had backed it up by being scuba diving coaches and were multi lingual. One cannot dream of boundless freedom without offering the world something in return. The locals of Cabo treated us as confused Mexicans. Our skin and faces looked just like theirs but we did not speak any Spanish and I regret that. I regret that I went into a country expecting them to be able to converse with me when they absolutely reserve the right to not do so. And they still did! Using sign language and a few spanish words now and then got us plenty of smiles and some great food.
                                                               
 Second flavor of Mexico was the dusty rural region riddled with drug lords and myths and legends of many a murders and kidnappings. I would be lying if I said I was not thrilled. There is an Adrenalin junkie inside of me who does not react to danger with fear but pure curiosity. I am called a 'sawali' by my partner which in Hindi means someone who has a lot of questions. Its used in jest but its true. I could not stop asking questions about the history of the place. I had gone their for work but the daily commute in an unmarked vehicle, of following safety procedures, of anticipating danger made me largely not focus on work. Something I cannot help. Again the people there just surprised me with their hospitality and smiles and being tactile with holding hands and their lilt in speaking English and a general understanding that I could be a Latina if not for my Indian heritage. Boy, that tickles me. Both visits made me wonder about human nature and how I think of other people as other people but the other people are just like my people.

Poland- This visit had me excited with anticipation so much that I was a kid who was dropped at a museum of their choice. Thoughts of setting foot in Europe had me thinking of everything I knew and remembered of reading about it in books. From renaissance to the crusades to the Vatican to the Pope to the holocaust to the cobbled nature of streets in many European cities to Greeks and Romans and dissemination of culture to the rest of the world. Poland in that manner was a place which not many people go to when they think of Europe but it turned out to be the best way to take a whiff of history there, for me. I went there for work so autonomy in choosing where I wanted to set foot was not with me. I took it as a gift nonetheless. Poland has history written all over it. From the looming figure of Russia from the times of USSR to the 2nd World War and its atrocities to liberalization, Poland had seen quite a bit. I could rave separately about the food and the beauty but I keep coming back to its people. Everyone I met, had a story of their own. I would listen and ask questions and I would have asked a million more questions , had not the fear of appearing inhumanly curious crept into me. I asked about the conservatism vs modernism in their country, the lack of jewish people and temples, to how old is the histiry of Christianity there to their daily afflictions. Every single time I felt like a part of their tribe. The human tribe that day in, day out worries about food and sleep. Just like us. Just like them. 

I am learning that - 1

1. Days are numbered but also there are so many of them. Day light is even lesser - half of those 'days' , but nights are wonderful too. Dark at times, inducing insomnia, anxiety and nothingness but bringers of sleep that is a wonderful eraser of any pain within or epithelial.

2. Friends are people too. So are partners and parents and siblings. Everyone is a person that needs to survive first and then help.

3. A roof, food, clothes, freedom from imminent danger is privilege. Anything more is plenty and less is poverty. Poverty is cruel, sexist, racist, homophobic and cruel. Yes it is cruel twice.

4. To be stuck to moments and achievements is to give birth to anxiety, stress and phobias. To flow with what only knows to flow- time; is to learn how to live with abandon.

5. There is enough space for everyone and all to coexist.

6. To find things to laugh about is easier for the soul than the pursuit of grief and its sources.

7. Love is simple in that it only demands lack of selfishness and hence not so simple. Tread in a balanced way.

8. Oceans are scary and vast and inviting and blue and beautiful. But learn to swim.

9. Sunrises and sunsets are cooler and calmer to the skin because the light and heat is just right. Never more and never less. More or less becomes the weapon of discomfort and destruction.

10. Reading is essential.